


you're a crook, i'm a thief / you're the heart, i'm the beat

by riddlemebitch



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Bonnie and Clyde Shenanigans, F/M, FakeHaus, GTA AU, elyse loves mcdonalds and james loves elyse, very loosely a gta au maybe more of a crime au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 14:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riddlemebitch/pseuds/riddlemebitch
Summary: a robbery and a getaway. a typical day in the life of james and elyse.





	you're a crook, i'm a thief / you're the heart, i'm the beat

**Author's Note:**

> most of this is based in headcanons created by me and savanah (we have a james/elyse pinterest board here if you wanna see it: https://au.pinterest.com/elyswillms/fakehaus-james-elyse/). i don't know if i ever plan on posting more on here because i mostly write for her when i write in this universe, but who knows.

It wasn’t that Elyse couldn’t get through a day without doing some sort of accent.

In fact, Elyse was more than capable of doing none at all if the situation called for them to take the job seriously. It’s just that there wasn’t often that a job warranted that kind of seriousness.

Her hand tightened around the gun, the other hand having dropped to her side as she spoke. Regrettably, the weapon she held was black and small and _nothing_ compared to the long range weapons she regarded as her specialty. Just as not every job called for seriousness, not every job called for Elyse on top of a building humming a Ja Rule and Ashanti song under her breath while she showed off her patience and precision. 

“You not laughin’ at my joke?” The voice she was putting on was something between a 1940s gangster and a Guido inspired by too much free time spent watching Jersey Shore, frankly she wasn’t really sure what way she was leaning yet. Blonde locks still managed to fall into her face despite the ponytail and the leather jacket that hung off her shoulders felt little too large. She asked again. “Why you not laughin’ at my joke? Why? You think I ain’t funny?” 

Raising her eyebrows as she looked down at the man in front of her, he held shaky hands up, clearly nervous. They’d been in that position for the last ten minutes, and now with their exit from the building imminent, tensions were running high. Most people wouldn’t blame a man with a gun in his face for not laughing at what the pint sized blonde holding it had to say, but she took it as a personal offense. An affront on her ability to create comedy gold. She narrowed her eyes and turned her gun sideways and internally, James beside her caught on.  _ Definitely the Guido. _

“He didn’t laugh at my joke.” She repeated, turning her head to peek at him, dropping the accent entirely. Truthfully Elyse wasn’t so insecure that this would bother her too much, usually, but it was a  _ good joke _ . 

James returned her look, confusion seeping into his features and then fading away just as fast as it came. He considered her words for a moment.

“Well, shoot him.” Came his response, so casual that Elyse laughed.

“What?” The security guard she was pointing the gun at didn’t react the same way, looking frantic as he dropped his hands.

Turning to look at him and motioning with her gun, he responded by placing them back where she had ordered them in the first place. Other than that, she paid him little mind, too focused on James. “You think I should shoot him?

“ _ Yeah _ , I think you should shoot him. He doesn’t appreciate comedy, good riddance.” 

James took a step closer, and Elyse held back a grin far too big for the situation they were in. It wasn’t her fault that he was always trying to get on her good side, like he wasn’t already on the top of the list. 

“You know, this is why I married you.” She told him, smiling slyly. Dropping the gun an inch as he moved closer, the guard watched it anxiously, but again, the blonde didn’t seem to acknowledge his existence. 

“I thought you married me so you could stay in the country.” The man beside countered, stepping even closer.

“That too.”

Up on her toes, Elyse didn’t have to focus hard to aim and shoot the gun at the kneeling man’s kneecap when he lunged forward, taking her husband for a distraction as he pulled her into a kiss. This was a common occurrence, as it seemed he liked to be ultra-romantic when they had people to give a show to. But Elyse never missed her mark, and it sent the guard back, yelling in pain as he clutched his leg.

Maybe that was the only thing that frustrated her about this job, if there were anything at all. People were always underestimating her, thinking her some pretty glorified sidekick, whimsical and quirky and fun. She was all of those latter things, but she was just as deadly as she was hilarious, just as capable as the man who held her waist. Twirling the gun around her fingers, her other arm came up to wrap around his neck before she pulled back, sighing. 

“You think if we go now we can outrun the cops?” She asked, raising her eyebrows. Usually sirens were sounding by now, but maybe they’d gotten lucky.

He considered her question for a moment and then with a grin and his palms against her upper arms, shrugged. “Let’s run and hope we aren’t pushing our luck.” 

Running down stairs and through messes they’d made only moments earlier with cash and bounty in hand, they made it to the car in record time. It was old and blue, and Elyse been with him when he bought it, sucking on the straw of a long finished soda. She knew vague facts here and there about the cars he got, and she sure as hell knew how to drive (although maybe not the same way he did), but she left it to him like he left her to the rooftops. 

This was one she liked, especially after the black muscle car she’d grown attached to was blown up. The amount of Fast and Furious references you could make in that thing, the mind couldn’t even comprehend… even if he kept telling her it wasn’t the same car as Vin Diesel had.

“I thought your joke was hilarious, by the way.” James said as he pulled the car door shut, their things thrown in the backseat.

Giving a toothy grin as she clicked her seatbelt on, she looked over at him. “Aw, babe…. What do you think about the leather jackets though, still good?” 

The matching leather wasn’t so surprising if you knew the two of them. They loved to make a spectacle of things, and matching jackets with ridiculously patriotic murals of Americana on the back was their latest pick for item of clothing to go over disguises.

“Yeah, I like ‘em.” He said, nodding curtly before he whipped them out of their parking space.

Used to his driving by now, she held herself steady, the smile showing no signs of disappearing. “Even with the red, white and blue? I don’t know, it kind of feels like a lie.”

“I think we look cool as fuck.” 

Once out of the car park, he hesitated speeding more than he needed to, trying not to draw too much attention. 

She had to agree with that. “It does go with the sunglasses.” On top of her head sat a cherry red cat eye pair, and James beside her wore black Ray-Ban’s on the bridge of his nose, navigating his way through traffic. 

Neither said much as they drove after that. James didn’t want to interrupt the song Elyse had blasting as she sang along, showing a surprising ability to keep up with the fast paced verses of Left Eye. The wind whipped her blonde hair back as she leaned out the window, and they looked over at each other constantly, almost like remembering –  _ oh, there you are, the reason I feel like I’m on top of the fucking world _ . In an effort to be possibly even more cliché, his hand sat against her thigh comfortingly.

The quiet only lasted until they pulled up to the drive thru.

Elyse sat up so fast that she had to steady herself, looking over at her husband with excitement. Typically, she would text the rest of the crew for their orders, but having forgotten the existence of everything but cheeseburgers, instead, she unbuckled her seatbelt and turned the sound system down to almost mute. As they rolled up to the speaker box, she waited calmly as James gave his detailed order, going seemingly as slow as humanly possible. She had moved over so her hand was leaning on his thigh. Distracted by her insistence that he go faster, it only made him take longer, laughing at her reactions. 

As he finished, she pushed herself forward, practically crawling into his lap as she began to systematically list her own order. It was basically burned into both their brains, and if he had to, he could repeat it word for word. James sat back and watched in amusement, which she fought hard to ignore, his strong hand resting against her to keep her steady in her frankly irresponsible position. 

“That your seat now?” He asked as she finished up making small talk with the person serving them.

She nodded, pursing her lips. “Until I get my cheeseburger.” 

“I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.” He pointed out, moving slow up to the first window. 

The response he got was furrowed eyebrows and confusion, because since when did either of them care about what was legal?

“And I thought we were gonna cut down on sodium.” James continued, the thought popping into his head as he approached the next window. He ignored the server as he held out a handful of too much cash and kept driving. He didn’t look away from her.

She shook her head and spoke dismissively. “You imagined it.”

“No, I think it was a whole conversation…” He prompted. He remembered it fairly quickly despite the hazy tipsy feeling of three a.m. that had come with the memory. It was dark and they were lit up by pink and blue light which made her look like the most beautiful thing in the world. Or maybe he was just so enamored with her under neon because of the memories intertwined with it. 

“ _ No… _ ”

“On how we have McDonalds after every job…”

“This doesn’t sound familiar.”

“And how that’s probably going to make us fat, because we’ve been doing more jobs lately?” Spinning her around an empty room, she had agreed after he brought it up offhandedly, although she’d been hesitant. Concern about their health usually didn’t seem so important when people like them died every day, but with such a lucky streak, maybe it was something to consider. And even then, she had more hesitance because she knew things everyone else didn’t.

Elyse pulled back, looking him dead in the eye. “Don’t ruin this for me.”

“Alright.” He chuckled, pulling up to the window to collect their food. 

Taking everything and retreating to her side of the car, he nudged her till she put her seatbelt on and speeded off to a suburban side street no one would look in. Pulling into an empty driveway, Elyse sorted out the food and pushed her legs into his lap. 

Above them towered a pretty two-storey house that they otherwise may have tried to break into, and she looked up at it with no remorse for their lack of a happy suburban life. She didn’t wish for a picket fence, or a husband with a stable job, and they had already secured their legacy with mugshots. This was it for her, this was more than enough. In fact, the only thing missing in that very moment was Benson in the backseat whining for a fry. 

Eating in silence happily, Elyse snapped a picture of them to send to Adam, pairing it with a multitude of emojis, hoping he’d appreciate that they thought of him. Even if she couldn’t be sure it’d make him smile, she knew it’d illicit the wanting to. Half way through her burger, having finished off her fries as well as some of James’, silence had settled over the car until he broke it.

“Honey… you hear that?” He didn’t seem particularly concerned, casually packing away the food in his lap so he could push it into the bag and sucking down the rest of his coke. He pushed the sunglasses down the bridge of his nose and leaned forward for a moment, and then looked at Elyse. 

It took a moment for her to get out of her McDonalds induced haze to look up, peering out the window. She could only see it in the distance for a moment, but she could definitely hear it. “Huh.”

“S’a helicopter.” He pointed out, helping move her legs back to her side of a car.

“Remember when Adam let me fly the helicopter?” Elyse grinned at the memory, although maybe she was the only one who looked on that day fondly. Certain people (a.k.a. everyone but Peake) liked to insinuate that it was the reason Joel retired.

He smiled, his eyes hidden behind the glasses. “Only the part where you nearly crashed us into a mountain.”

In her defence, flying a helicopter was difficult when you had no experience. 

Narrowing her eyes, she gave him a look as she pushed their rubbish out the passenger window. Their illegal antics didn’t mean they were constantly littering, but she was feeling pushed for time. “Yeah, but did you die?”

“Good point. You wanna put your seatbelt on?” 

She clicked it into place and rolled up her window as the engine started. “You gonna do some driving that’s gonna make me wish I brought that helmet?” 

“Yes ma’am.” Was his response, and excitement began to bubble up again, the thrill of another adventure getting them both giddy. 

“Don’t worry, I already have the next song queued.” That made his smile grow as he began to back out of the driveway, looking behind him as Elyse looked forward, trying to see if she could spot the thing trying to spot them. Quickly, they were on the road again, gaining speed.

She pressed play, looked at him, and held on for dear life.


End file.
